Dad, listen: I’ve certainly gotten myself into a bad hole.

Sailing to France in 1917, Grant Willard was desperately in love with Dorothy Houghton, and had asked her to marry him. Through a romantic haze he imagined a situation where his love would come to France, work with a war relief organization and be near him. But the more he lived through the war and saw its effects, the more he realized he'd made a terrible mistake encouraging her to come. He'd sent mixed signals to his fiancée and angered her mother. At a low point, he poured his heart out to his father back in Minnesota...

Convois Autos.,

S.S.U. 647,

Par B.C.M.,

France.

Tuesday, April 30, 1918

Dear Dad:-

Your letter dated Mar. 31 reach me today together with 14 others--the first I had received for more than a month.  You see we have been on the move for sometime now I rather imagine it’s a puzzle for the Post Office to follow us. 

You see I am sending this letter through the base censor--a route I just discovered the other day. Through this channel we can send things of personal nature (nothing military) which we wouldn’t care to send through our own Lieutenant. It’s rather unfortunate that your own Lieutenant censors your mail. A man who isn’t quite right will read every bit of your letter with interest and jot down in his memory a few things which don’t concern him. That is why my recent letters have been so monotonous and scattered. When one’s letters are read aloud to the office force and used to furnish amusement for whomever might be present one doesn’t care about sending anymore letters than he has to. Please accept this reason for my long period of silence temporarily until I can explain the whole miserable situation to you.

Now, Dad, listen: I’ve certainly gotten myself into a bad hole. You remember back in December when I was so stuck on Dorothy’s coming over here in some War Relief capacity? Well, I did want her then because the future did look bright for a while and I believed every word I wrote you in response to your advice to drop the matter. I wanted her then, do now and always will but as to her actually coming to France I have turned a right-about face and am just as stuck in the other direction. 

Grant (second from right) with his parents
and siblings after the war in Mankato.

What has changed my mind? A combination of several things. In the first place I wanted her in France because it never dawned on me that I could possibly have her. I never really visualized her in France. And when her letters came telling of various plans and threats I laughed at them. I didn’t take them seriously. Then like a thunder clap it all came on me. Miss Mullen’s horrible death on Good Friday gave me an awful jolt from which I haven’t quite recovered. Then came a letter from Mrs. Houghton which cut my soul in two and laid it on the table in front of me where I saw it all. A brute! That’s just what I’ve been. A perfect stranger, so to speak, tried to enter Mrs. Houghton’s home and heart and rob it of just about its most precious gem without even consulting her. Of course she didn’t like it. She knew Dorothy much better than I did and yet I, in my thoughtless excitement, forgot all about her. Result:- a mess and I’m on the bottom. 

I don’t want Dorothy in France in this horrible mess over here. I don’t want anybody dear to me to come over here now. Being with the Americans has made a big change in me. I can’t get over the queer feeling which came over me on seeing my first dead American soldier and on hearing of Miss Mullen’s death. We’ve got to win this war and we are going to but we can do it without Dorothy or you or mother or Sis on this side. It’s a different proposition with Tib and John. When their times come it is their duty to come but France is not a place for women in these days nor those people who can be of more service in the States. 

I have written Dorothy a long letter trying to convince her that I am right in changing my mind and that her duty is to do what her mother wishes. I have written Mrs. Houghton but what could I say to her? I was wrong and am to blame. I told her that much but some way couldn't find much else to say. I’m anxious, very anxious as to what Dorothy’s going to do. It wouldn’t be right for her to come, Dad, nor to prepare to come against her mother’s wishes and I’ve got to put an end to it. Will you please show this letter to Marion and ask her to please use her influence with Dorothy in any way she judges best? I’m telling you these things that you might understand just how things stand between us and in hopes that you may be able to shed a little light my way, though I guess this is entirely my battle. 

The last letter from Dot, says she is announcing our engagement in some Vassar publication and that her mother is doing the same in the Philadelphia papers. I certainly hope this will make Dot happier. I’m tickled to death. You know, I don’t like this formal stuff--announcement parties, teas, ring and things. I hope it will satisfy poor, little heart-sick Dot. 

Dad, I’m more than thankful for the money. I really don’t need it as I have managed to hang on to 200 francs from my salary looking toward a permission (long over-do) but that 100 will give me that much better permission. Don’t know where I’ll go. To the mountains if I can get there. You see, when we are paid regularly we really fair pretty well. It is reported that we will be drawing “wagoners” pay soon (40.20) and then we are now to get two dollars extra due to a recent citation. That’s pretty snappy pay when you are off where you can’t spend any. 

About the picture--I left a film in Paris to have more prints made that I might send you one but I never got back in there to get them and we are not allowed to send pictures of any kind under this organization--neither are we allowed to take any. Never mind, I have a whole collection which will be yours (to look at) someday. I took a lot of them and hope they are never lost. 

Much love from – Your war-tired son.

We are out where the ground is well plowed and the hardware flying thick and fast.

On April 15, 1918, SSU 647 moved from the relative safety of its base at Neufchâteau to a new post at Vignot and was assigned to the 26th Infantry Division of the United States Army. After a few days in camp, he wrote home to Mankato.

Convois Autos.,

S.S.U. 647,

Par B.C.M.,

France.

Friday, Apr. 19, 1918

My dear family:-

Sometime ago (7 days) I started a letter to you all. While in the midst of it an order came in for movement within 24 hours. Wow, such a racket as was set up! Needless to say that letter was postponed. Not until today have I had a chance to continue and now only to begin over again as I left my own writing paper with the uncompleted letter back at our base.

We are no longer at Base #66 but out where the ground is well plowed and the hardware flying thick and fast. Gee! But it seems good to be back where you can “hear ‘em” again. We are not far from where we were in September – quiet compared to August but loud enough.

The section has been separated – ten cars are here in this sector, five in another sector and five idle. We have been up here five days, quite busy, and expect relief soon. Hap is with us. Astlett, another old 61 man, is also here. Johnnie and Fraser the other two 61ers are elsewhere – Johnnie is driving the staff car for the Lieut.

The announcement of Miss Mullen’s death on Good Friday knocked me cold and I haven’t quite recovered yet. She was like a mother to many of us and we will miss her more than I can tell. She was always working for others’ interests than her own and sacrifice on her part was a pleasure for her. She’s a great loss to us as well as to the work she was doing.

I am awfully glad that Mother and Tib got off to California all right. She needed the rest and the change ought to be good for Tib. A letter from her from Ontario [California] said they were enjoying their stay very much. She spoke of violets and roses in bloom. Even gorgeous France can’t boast of roses in this section but violets are plentiful. The woods are full of little white flowers, corresponding to our May flowers and the lilacs are beginning to bloom.

SSU 647 on the move

Was sitting in my car yesterday enjoying the first sunshine we had seen for weeks when a big, husky, burly American soldier passed down the street. He looked like someone I had seen before and sure enough when I called “Boots” he turned around and there stood “Boots” Wiederman in all his glory. The first man I have met over here from home. He was as surprised as I was. He is stationed with the engineers just a short way from our base and last night we had a long talk. Boots has been over just a month and so has met none of the other boys from home. I expect to run on to them most any day. Most of the boys we are working with around here are from the east and I haven’t met anybody I know yet.

Haven’t heard from you all now for about a month. Not a letter. But I know everything is all right at home as it is with us over here. The Saturday Evening Post has long since stopped coming as has the Literary Digest. The mails are probably very congested. Would suggest that you use my French address in your correspondence, as there is less congestion that way.

Hope mail begins coming in soon.

Much love,

Grant.

Our boys got one call last night and that was indigestion.

In his April 17, 1918, journal entry, Grant writes judgmentally of his comrades' excessive drinking, calling it "cuffing the bottle." He probably came by this attitude naturally. His dad, W.D. Willard, was a lifelong teetotaler, having grown up with an alcoholic father.

Tuesday, April 16, 1918:

Vignot, France, 2010

Yesterday, Apr. 15, we moved to Vignot to be attached to the 26th Division. A funny thing happened when we got [here] expecting some kind of a reception in the way of an officer to tell us where to go and what to do. Headquarters didn’t even know who we were nor did they know we were coming. How’s that for efficiency? Now in the French Army, never did such a thing happen. Our trip from Dijon to Rupt, for instance, we were a day early on arriving at Rupt having made the trip down in one instead of two days. But everything was ready for us.

War memorial in Vignot

At Vignot our Lieut. offered his services to the 26th whenever they would have us. With Colonel Starks’ permission we were allowed to stay and do what work we could find until further orders. Ten cars were sent on to Ménil-la-Tour and the remaining cars stayed in Vignot. I was one of the ten lucky ones and I am now writing in the loft of a fragrant barn where we spent the night on hay. Four cars: Happy, Astlett, McGuire and McEnnis went up to the posts last night about 10 o’clock with Sarg. Kendrick. Swain, Dunlap, McCrackin, Gaynor, Risley (mechanic), Signer and I stayed here “on call.” I was unlucky coming up. Broke a truss-rod or I would have gone up in place of Hap. The boys around here seemed glad to see us--especially the ambulance boys--who filled us full of wild tales about what a hard time they were having and how many cars they had lost, etc. Imagine it! Here we are 7 km from the line in a town which has never been bombarded and only occasionally hearing a gun and then these boys springing tales about “dead-man’s corner,” and “hell’s-half acre.” Our boys got one call last night and that was indigestion.

Wednesday, April 17:

Things are as quiet as usual. We could hear what the Americans call a heavy barrage last night. The boys up at the posts report no excitement and nothing to do. Signor, McCrackin and I are here alone now in our loft. The rest of the cars are up on posts. Sarg. Kendrick was just down and told me my truss rod would be up tomorrow and that I will relieve McEnnis as soon as I am fixed up. Signor and McCrackin will probably go up tomorrow. None of the boys have carried any wounded except Speed who just brought down a Frenchman who had a piece of éclat in his shoulder from a 77 which broke just outside of the Mandres[-aux-Quatre-Tours] dressing station. There are a good many 77s breaking around this post. Our boys are the only ones in the town who are sleeping above ground and the people think they are crazy. They have a very good room there with a stove and table and they aren’t “going down” until they have to. Hap scared the pants off an Am. sergeant this A.M. by driving through the smoke of a 77 which landed in the middle of the road about 100 yds. in front of them. They can’t make us out up here. They think we are crazy, I guess, and perhaps they are right. But they haven’t been through the period of idleness which we have.

Five more of our cars have left Vignot for another front. Fraser, Snader, Kerr, Luys and Stender. “M. Richard” and Tod Gillet I imagine are very glum these days. Maybe it will teach them a lesson. I wonder if they are still “cuffing the bottle.” Johnnie was up with the Lieut. yesterday and is not very well satisfied with his lot at staff car driver. He had rather be up in it.

Have had no news from western front and no mail for two weeks from the States.